Broken News

The Bush administration has released information revealing that it has been conducting an ongoing investigation of terror related activities by probing into the personal bank accounts, telephone records and internet activities of Democrats throughout the United States. A massive effort has been underway for over two years, utilizing the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), National Security Agency (NSA), Defense Intelligence Angency (DIA), National Reconnaissance Office (NRO), National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency (formerly NIMA), Interpol, KGB, The Young Marines, Boy Scouts of America, Ann Coulter Fan Club and most viewers of Fox News. The resultant database is said to be the largest on the planet, literally visible from outerspace.

Attorney General, Alberto Gonzoles, when asked why only Democrats are being targeted for this massive investigation, explained that it is common knowledge that Conservatives are patriotic while Democrats are cheer-leaders for Osama bin Laden.

Congressional Democrats are outraged and speaking out about the administration's questionably legal undertaking. Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) addressed the issue while on a speaking tour of the mid-west where she is not campaigning for the presidency. "I believe that Presiden Bush is acting in good faith and for the security of all Americans (except those here illegally) and I support him in this effort however, I believe he is handling the program all wrong. He should have leveled with Americans about the danger they are in and the need for this action. The fact that the investigation excludes everyone but Democrats does worry me a bit. He should at least include Republicans making less than $150,000 per year. As President, that is what I would have done".

Senator John Kerry (D-MA) was in Washington, D.C. where he attacked the administration for its secrecy and lack of transparency. Said Kerry, "This President continues to hide behind a smoke-screen to shroud his activities from the public". Asked if he will take action in the Senate over the President's program, he responded. "His tactics, though dispicable, are not overtly illegal as far as I can tell so I will not demand that the administration cease and desist".

Another high profile Senate Democrat was reached for comment. Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-CT) said of the investigation, "President Bush is an honest and decent man with the best interests of all citizens foremost in his thoughts and efforts. We need to support this program as it is part of the ongoing war on terrorism and producing essential information required to deter the enemy from striking us again here at home". Lieberman added "The President would not do this if it were not absolutly necessary for our security. He assured me of this during our embrace at the State of the Union Address earlier this year".

Due to the recent Republican policy change forbidding the press from being told the whereabouts of any Republican member of Congress when detremental information is discovered about the Bush administration, no one could be immediately reached for comment. Once the Republican talking points had been decided upon, John Boehner (R-OH) issued the following statement. "Who cares what those whiny Democrats are saying, I'm boffing Ann Coulter".